I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
