have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
