bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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