I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
