my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
