I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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