Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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