it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
