the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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