I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Is Oprah even human
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
