Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
