I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
