I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
