everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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