I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
