We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
