DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
