fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
