you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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