There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
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I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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