theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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