I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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