drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
