My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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