It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
