I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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