At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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