im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
