Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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