Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
