She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
