oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
