the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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