I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
