As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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