Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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