Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
