fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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