Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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