when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
