Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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