You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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