I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
