i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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