i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
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she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
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He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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