i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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