The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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