I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
