Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
