When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
