She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
