Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
