Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Randomize
