I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
