textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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